Going into High School Gr.10) is definitely not helping me with anything. Nor is my own Mother, telling me I'll have no friends if I don't talk to more people. But the thing is, I know a lot of people, and I know that I won't need to worry too much about whether or not I'll be alone. Because my biggest fear is loneliness. I even reconsidered taking up my Mom's idea of moving, so I could start fresh. However, my fear of being lonely, also clashes with my fear of people, and my fear of any social situation. It is not a win-win situatuion for me, nor is it a win-lose. Now that I have confirmed anxiety, it doesn't help either. My grades are also an added issue, and I know that I will have to deal with them one way or another, without stressing myself out.
Unrealistic thoughts(not the pleasent kind) now plague my life, each and every single day. They are far from the comfort I used to be able to seek within moments. Every single little pain makes me think I'm about to die. Anything makes me feel unsafe, or like my body is trying to kill itself. Cancer, diabetes, etc. My fear is that I won't get the future I want, happily married, and with a kid or two. Adding to that fear, is the fear that my mom, dad, aunt, uncle, and Grandpa won't be there for those experiences; the experiences that mean most to me. I have lost my Grandmother. That was in grade six. It took me until now, to finally accept the fact that she is no longer here with me, and there are times when I fear that I may loose someone else, and I will shut down.
Having internet friends both helps, but also upsets me. There are times where I wish it was them I would be going to school with, but knowing that I can't, it honestly makes me upset. There are people on here, who I've made best friends with, and those who I have become frenemies with. There is even one special person who, at times, I wish I could meet in person, but that is a distant dream of mine, just a silly dream, like the ones I had as a child, when I wished to Prince, to be swept away. But, as the song I Dreamed a Dream suggestes, "There are dreams that cannot be." and I know that this may be one of them. But I wish I could meet every single one of you in person, and see if I can confide in the comfort that they've provided me, even if they don't know it.
I wish I could say I was looking forwards to growing up, but the very ideal of growing up unsettles. While we grow up, we also grow old, and everything around us grows old. It is a crushing thing to realize. I have yet to find a way to cope with these thoughts and emotions. But, I suppose there is no way I can get through life like this. So from here on out, I am going to be as positive as I can be. I am determined to meet everyone on here in person one day, and to everyone who has given their time to me, I cannot thank you enough.